The Bottom 10 is back! And as always, it’s very bad.
College football’s Bottom 10 is back — and as bad as ever. The top 25 college football is a list of the worst teams in college football.
[Editor’s note: The 2021 college football season has arrived, bringing with it the Bottom 10, which includes a bunch of old favorites like Kansas and UTEP, as well as a Power 5 appearance from the entire Big 12.]
This week’s inspirational thought(s):
Is this the path to returning to normalcy? Please show me the path back to normalcy. Please show me the path back to normalcy. Please show me the path back to normalcy. Is this the path to returning to normalcy?
Ben Folds Five’s “Way to Normal”
“When are you going to understand, my dear daughter, that being normal isn’t always a good thing? Doesn’t it imply a lack of courage?”
“Practical Magic,” Aunt Frances
We spent most of the offseason, like so many others, here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, situated beneath the Tim Tebow Jags apparel discount rack at the Ponte Vedra Ollie’s, contemplating the real meaning of the term “normal.” Today, we hear it all the time in the sense of “going back to normal” and “welcome to the new normal,” as well as “Why did I just watch ‘Paranormal Activity 3’?”
In a college football world where North Texas plays in a bowl game on teal turf despite having a losing record, where unforeseen cancellations make Rice vs. Middle Tennessee essential prime-time television viewing, and where guys named Kool-Aid sign NIL deals with Kool-Aid to literally drink the Kool-Aid,
@GaQMcK1 #ItsOfficial #SigningDay #BrandAthlete pic.twitter.com/FBZJ1PNtfg OHHH YEAHH @GaQMcK1 #ItsOfficial #SigningDay #BrandAthlete pic.twitter.com/FBZJ1PNtfg
August 18, 2021 — Kool-Aid Man (@koolaid)
All of the foregoing has and always will be referred to as “normal.” There’s nothing to get back to for us, and it’s definitely nothing new. We view it as one of the few good outcomes of having spent the 2020 college football season in the midst of a pandemic, that so many of you have finally found the beauty of what we refer to as “normal” here in the Bottom 10 Multiverse. Alternatively, Lawrence, Kansas.
Here are the preseason Bottom 10 rankings for 2021, with apologies to Norman Reedus, Norman Bates, ParaNorman, and Steve Harvey.
The Kansas Jayhawks are ranked No. 1 in the country (2020 record: 0-9)
KU didn’t win a game last season. It dismissed the head coach and athletic director last winter after a humiliating scandal. The Nayhawks learned during the summer that their league is on life support. But, other from that, it’s been a wonderful time.
2. Mexico State, oh my! (2021 record: 1-1)
The Other Aggies were one of only three FBS schools that didn’t play a game in 2020, but they were also the only FBS team to play games in spring 2021, with games against Division II Tarleton State and Dixie State, a still-new FCS program. They were defeated 43-17 by Tarleton and needed 16 points in the fourth quarter to overcome Dixie State by a touchdown. With a kickoff visit from UTEPID and a Thanksgiving weekend trip to…, they’ll begin and conclude their fall campaign against a pair of other preseason Bottom 10 opponents.
UMess UMess UMess UMes (2020: 0-4)
The Minutemen lost all four of their 2020 games by a total score of 161-12, but they still got a kick out of poking their archrival Huskies’ noses by playing games (sort of) while these people didn’t…
4. You won’t be able to (2020: 0-0)
On Oct. 9, the Randy Edsall Charm School will travel to UMess for the second part of a two-week Bottom 10 doubleheader, since that game follows a trip to Van-duh-bilt, which completed its 2020 all-SEC slate with a slate of all-SEC defeats.
Mike Greenberg responds to the news that Texas and Oklahoma will not renew their Big 12 media rights.
The Big Eight is number five.
The season’s first Coveted Fifth Spot goes to a conference that is almost down to a Coveted Five Teams, meaning the surviving members of the Big 12 alliance that was really a Big 10 (but not the Big Ten) even while everyone was wondering when they would eventually grow to 12 or even 16 teams. But it never accomplished any of it, so it’s now the college football equivalent of that nearby mall that used to be a huge thing in the 1990s until Sears went bankrupt and JC Penney departed. It’s now down to a Chess King, a strange food court centered by a McDowell’s, and that shop where your mother gets her Vera Bradley patterns.
ULM (pronounced “uhlm”) is a six-letter acronym that stands for “United States of Micronesi (2020: 0-10)
Ulm, you’re not going to believe this, but the Warhawks’ new head coach is Terry Bowden, who used to coach Auburn, and his offensive coordinator is Rich Rodriguez, who turned down the Alabama position in 2006, allowing Nick Saban to take over. And now, ulm, they’ll very certainly make sure the ULM team bus never passes through the Yellowhammer State, in order to prevent them from asking that the driver take them to the closest therapist right away.
7. Boiling Green (2020: 0-5/0-6/1-5) in Northern Illinois through Akron
Each week, choose the winner of ten college football games. Play confidently or play straight up. Make your selections
Terry Bowden’s most recent head coaching stop, Akron, is leading a three-headed MACtion monster that combined to win one game in 2020, and that victory was by the Zips against Boiling Green. This season, the three will compete in a semi-round-robin tournament of agony in October, with Akron visiting Bowling Green Week 5 and Bowling Green visiting Northern Illinois seven days later. The MAC has already licensed “Yakety Sax” to be played continuously over the public address system throughout both games, according to sources at the Bottom 10 JortsCenter news desk.
FI(notA)U FI(notA)U FI(notA)U FI (2020: 0-5)
The Fightin’ Butches had an official record of 0-5, but we like to display it as 0-5-2-4 since they lost five games, had two cancellations, and then had another four games that were officially recorded as “postponed” but were never officially canceled. So, like my nephew, who still has 3,000 unused Chuck E. Cheese tickets from 2015 and keeps threatening to show up unannounced at the prize counter six years from now, does that mean the Panthers could just show up at the stadium of one of those postponed opponents at any time in the future and demand the game be played?
9. Minion Minion Minion Minion Minion Minion Minion Minion Minion Minion (2020: 0-0)
The team has had two spring practices, a slew of autumn intrasquad scrimmages, and zero real games since coach Ricky Rahne departed Penn State to take over the 1-11 Monarchs at the end of 2019. This spring, Rahne remarked, “We’ve gone through a lot of hardship.” “We haven’t yet experienced the pleasures of victories and the agony of defeat.” On Oct. 2, they’ll have their greatest opportunity to accomplish the former rather than the latter when they go to…
UTEPID is number ten (2020: 0-5)
My math professor buddy phoned me furiously, wanting to know who in college football coined the phrase “Week Zero,” and then began screaming a lot of mathematical nonsense about how there can’t be a Week 0 since Week 1 is Week 1 because it’s the first week. “But man, that’s also the weekend that UTEP plays New Mexico State,” I said. “Well dammit, the math does check out,” he remarked before hanging up on me.
UnLv, Vanderbilt Commode Doors, Sibericuse, Duke Blew Devils, Temple Bowels, Ill-ugh-noise, US(not C)F, and more are on the waiting list. COVID-19, Texas State Armadillos, Yew-tah State, South Alabama Redundancies by the time I get to Arizona.
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